journal

24.03.08

do broken phones dream of electric sheep?

it shouldn't hurt this much, should it? losing a phone? it surely isn't normal to be this attached to a bit of plastic silicon and glass. but here i am. i already knew id be upset when i had to move on, but- idk. i think its worse because i know i tried to save her. even that cant be normal right? calling a phone a her? i mean ive known its strange as long as ive done it, but it feels... right? well it cant really be that strange... people call boats shes all the time. maybe its because im not human, so it doesnt feel strange to ascribe human things like gender to the objects around me. but either way its.. it hurts more than just an inconvenience would. all things considered its not that bad. i dont remember any 2fa codes i didnt have elsewhere, my music was all already on my laptop, i dont take all that many photos. really the only thing i can think of that im missing is my books, and those are all trivial to get again. she had just lasted me so long though. she still had a headphone jack. she still had a normal fingerprint sensor. she still fit in my hand. maybe im just afraid of change. it is nice to have something to hold on to.

24.05.23

was talking to a friend about web projects and started looking through the site she sent me.

i think its incredible honestly, i love her dedication to pure html and i love how she writes.

i wish this imposter syndrome would go away. it probably wont, but i can hope anyway cant i? i guess i just need to find some way to work through it.

suppose i should actually talk about it huh? on nakba day, the 76th anniversary of the original nakba, the palestine solidarity encampment at our university was trashed by state riot police. ironic? purposeful? im not sure. i wasnt there. i was there the first night comrades were arrested. it hurts like hell to know that i woke up in my bed in my house hours after shit went down when my friends and comrades got arrested in a place i had helped create, but ended up getting too burnt out at to stay.

its interesting to say i (or at least one of me?) feel like a weapon. i do. but ive never actually harmed someone. i can call myself an anarchist but does that even mean anything if youve never actually punched a nazi?

that bit of microfiction i wrote a couple months ago is bouncing around in my head again as i write this. interesting to think i thought about those girls that way at one point. i do that a lot: fall for someone incredibly hard incredibly quickly, and then realize at least a month later that i actually just dodged a hell of a bullet. or maybe im too scared to let myself actually get close to someone like i did him? i still want it. clearly. given how much i think about it. but idk

anyway. we'll be back █████. we'll be back. and we're fucking mad.

24.06.16

im a bit of a walking red flag aren't i? a girl thing who claims to have ideals but doesn't actually know anything. a trans woman freak who claims to be responsible but can't even ask a fucking question. wants to call itself an anarchist but can't handle conflict for shit.

yes im being hard on myself, but hey its better than the alternative yk? like i dont enjoy writing awful shit about myself and rotting in bed and ignoring everything and everyone around me, but at least i live through it yeah? doesn't really give me a chance to change though. it's just another way i run away from my problems like i have for so long now. i don't want to sleep in that bed tonight. i hope it will do better than me. let's be real it already has.

24.06.16 / 2

these kinds of websites are a strange place aren't they? you stumble across them and you get to see some of the deepest thoughts of some random stranger you've never heard of before. it's probably because none of us want to deal with the shit that goes on inside our heads alone, but i'm willing to bet that so many of us don't exactly have a better place to share this kinda stuff. oh well.

ig im still here. that was the closest ive ever been in a while, but the indominable human spirit or something. tbh i just want to be friends with it. it seems really cool. i don't know if ill ever be able to look it in the eyes again though. it's not the kind of thing you can apologize your way out of. i hope it knows i didn't mean it. im worried that this is becoming a pattern with me. ive seen it happen multiple times. not really sure what to do about it.